Handling Challenging People [part 2]
One of the most difficult parts of leading Life Groups is that they involve people, and people (including us!) are messy. Our goal is to welcome everyone into our community, while maintaining a safe setting for people to experience connection and growth. Three common personalities that can be difficult are the person who brings a lot of criticism, the person who reveals too much about himself/herself, or the person who tries to fix everyone’s problems.
Below are some tips for how to best love and encourage the critic, the revealer and the problem-solver in your group while creating a safe and healthy Life Group environment.
1. CRITICS: The critic has great potential to negatively impact a group. Criticism is contagious and it can paralyze a leader. The secret to dealing with critics is to remember that their bark is usually worse than their bite. Some critics are in such a habit of being negative that they criticize things they actually enjoy. Remember that the complaints of critics are usually more about their own perceptions and hurts than the events they’re criticizing. Don’t let a critic derail an activity, and try not to take their complaints personally.
::What a Life Group leader can do: Affirm your love for the critic as a person while not spending much time on the criticism itself. For example, if a critic complains that he or she is sick of reading material or watching a video series, a leader might say something like, “This is the format and focus of the group. We would love your continued involvement in our group.” With consistent care and nudging, a critic can actually become an excited and motivated group participant. If the criticism is extreme, consider having an honest conversation with the person away from the group that helps him or her see the effects of the negative comments and how they interrupt your efforts for the group.
2. REVEALERS: The revealer has a tough time knowing how much information is too much information. Revealers often bring details to their stories that leave group members unsure of how they should respond.
::What a group leader can do: The secret to leading with revealers is to help them find the proper context for the things they’d like to share. You could respond to a revealer’s disclosure by saying something like, “That must have been very painful for you. I would be happy to talk to you more about that situation after our group.” Revealers work best with leaders who are very direct and very gentle at the same time.
3. PROBLEM SOLVERS: The problem solver has a tough time seeing others in pain or confusion. With great intentions, the problem solver tries to fix other group members, often offering pat answers and solutions. Remind your group that each person is in a process of growth and feeling and needs time to work out his or her questions.
::What a group leader can do: If a problem solver gives a pat answer that’s received as judgmental or insensitive by a group member, don’t panic. Quickly respond by showing empathy for the person with the problem or question. You might say, “I’m sorry you’re going through that. Keep sharing and struggling forward. We’ll do our best to support you along the way.”
If a problem solver doesn’t seem to catch your hints and redirection, talk to him or her in private. Tell the problem solver that you appreciate his or her wisdom. Then remind the problem solver that you want everyone to have the freedom to talk, discover, and even struggle through things.